The cat is old.
Really, really, old, and recently she’s begun to act her age.
Most of what she does these days is sleep, and she very rarely ventures away from her perch on the bed. I think it’s been six months since she’s done anything other than walk to the food bowl and then walk back to the bed.
She doesn’t look out the window, she doesn’t come and sit with me if I’m watching TV, she doesn’t come yell at me to hurry up and get out of the shower.
She’s not even showing interest in her beloved Cat Track.
Her muscles are atrophying because of the inactivity, making it harder for her to move around.
She just sleeps. She doesn’t even wash her face these days – I’ve been having to scrub the food crust off of her nose for her.
I know the end is coming, but right now what I’m really struggling with is when.
I’m not going to let her slide and slide and become really miserable before dying naturally.
I’ve done that because I was too much of a coward to go to the vet. The suffering that animal had to endure because of my lack of action is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
But it’s not that simple.
If I do it too soon, she loses time (or maybe it doesn’t matter to her and I’m the one losing the time. Who knows).
If I do it too late, she’ll suffer.
Where’s the line?
I’ve had her for so long that I can’t imagine life without her, so I wonder if that clouds my judgement.
The vet is spectacularly unhelpful, just saying “You know your pet”.
Fucking duh. Of course I know my pet. That’s why this is so hard.
It would be super easy with someone else’s pet.
“Dude, that dog’s, like, jacked. You should put it to sleep”.
So now I’m watching, and waiting, and wondering if I’m doing the right thing or just torturing the sweet soul that’s loved me unconditionally for almost two decades.
I wish there was an easy answer.
Someone please give me an easy answer.