Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

An Open Letter to Michael Bay

Despite the performance of your last movie, you’re still one of the most powerful men in Hollywood.

Therefore, I’m sure you have a girlfriend. Why don’t you let her dress you?

When two grips and an electrician (all women – I was the redhead who spewed pasta and barely missed the Local 80* Goddess seated across from me. Just so you know, we were laughing at you, not with you) point at you and break into hysterics as you walk past, it’s high time for a closet cleanout.

You’re not a bad looking guy. Really, you’re not. You have a terrific smile and you’re more than a little sexy. Were it not for the heinous jeans and moldy tennis shoes, I’d do you in a heartbeat – but you really do need to update your look.

Please. I’m begging you.

The Goddess (who’s been on location in Australia where the men dress like crap, and yet she still laughed at you) will even consider speaking to you in less than insulting tones if only you’ll dress like less of a retard in the future.

*It’s customary to refer to departments by the local number. Grip is Local 80. Set Lighting is Local 728. Camera is Local 600. While this may seem like jibberish, standing in the middle of the set and yelling “seven twenty eight” will result in all the electricians turning our heads and saying “What?”.

Filed under: life in LA, Non-Work

8 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    Okay, clue us in to the gag with a visual, wouldja?

    What was he wearing that was so bad/hilarious, besides his usual ill-kempt look of shaggy hairdo, shirt pulled out, jeans and sneakers??

    I gotta say, I was thinking the same thing last time I saw him. (Island press conference — “I think what our movie offers is something that’s totally an original concept.”)

    Uh, Logan’s Run?? Brave New World? 1984? Invasion of Body Snatchers? AI, Minority Report — it doesn’t get more derivative than this.

    The action was kinda cool, though, I’ll grant him that.

  2. Peggy Archer says:

    Two words.

    Acid Wash.

    That and sort of the general “I can’t dress myself” vibe.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Oh, god, that’s right! Ugh.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Acid wash?

    We’re dealing with a terminal case here.

  5. Anonymous says:

    How would you be able to stand the nasal voice? Listen to the guy speak. He sounds like he has a perpetual cold.

  6. Acid Wash is so bad it is almost good again. I have a feeling someone is going to revive it and make it chic. Just you wait.

  7. Anonymous says:

    NEVER! Acid wash is right up there with leggings and bubble skirts. These fashion faux pas were *never* cool!

  8. Anonymous says:

    I just have to stick up for my fellow Aussies here…

    I’ve lived in LA and Australia, and I gotta tell you: men with style are both as common and as hard to come by as it is in the US. Please don’t condemn all aussie men by grouping them with MB!

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