Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

I will get rid of this.

I haven’t been to see The Sweater Queen in a long time.

I’ve had this horrible cough that’s not going away, and I’m hearing reports of it lingering in some co-workers for six weeks. I can’t live like that for so long – I sound like I’m in the final stages of some ruinous 19th century disease, and this morning my ‘normal’ doctor told me there’s nothing he can do to make it go away faster, so I went to the Dark Side – of hippie curative tonics, chakras, and discussions about the moon’s feelings (or whatever it is hippies discuss. I tend to tune it out).

The Sweater Queen has long fuzzy hair, wears a long fuzzy sweater (no matter what the temperature), a long fuzzy skirt, and has quite a few long fuzzy cats and dogs running around her slightly fuzzy-looking Topanga shack*. She’s an odd duck, but boy does she know her shit when it comes to herbal remedies.

She gave me this vile tea to drink – and I mean vile. Bilge water vile. Boiled dirty gym sock vile. Korean acupuncturist vile**.

When I got home and actually made the tea, the smell from the steam was so bad it made the cat run and hide for an hour, but the stuff really works. Minutes after drinking it, the cough hadn’t gone away completely, but was noticeably improved. I have to screw up my courage (and hold my nose) in order to drink another cup before I go to bed tonight. I would spike it with vodka (it would still taste bad but then I wouldn’t care as much), but The Sweater Queen specifically mentioned no alcohol whatsoever until the cough is gone.

So I’m back at work tomorrow – we’re tearing out the Sports Arena rig, and I have to carry a container of this nasty tea with me so I can ‘sip it at intervals throughout the day’. Blech.

At least I won’t have to worry about someone else drinking it.

*For my non-Los Angeles based readers: Topanga Canyon is what’s politely referred to as an “artist’s colony” and has been for years. Quite a few of the residents built their own houses – some out of whatever they could find – and despite the real estate boom, there are still quite a few home-built shacks in Topanga Canyon. Hence, “Topanga shack”.

**Korean acupuncturists are apparently famous for making patients drink unbelievably nasty-tasting stuff. I learned this from my chiropractor, who, when I was complaining about not wanting to see an acupuncturist like he’d recommended because I didn’t want another round of drinking something that came in a packet with no English on it and tasted like radioactive dirt, he said “So don’t see any more Koreans.” “How did you know he was Korean?” I asked. “That’s a trademark of Korean acupuncturists,” he said. “I think they think it’s funny.”

Filed under: Non-Work

6 Responses

  1. “the smell from the steam was so bad it made the cat run and hide for an hour”

    Mmmmmeeeorrrrr-zoooooooooom

    “Korean acupuncturists are apparently famous for making patients drink unbelievably nasty-tasting stuff.”

    I think the Chinese could give them a run for their money. I went to this one herbalist and he correctly diagnosed that I was having problems with stomach and liver, as well as muscle cramps.

    But his cure was worse than what ailed me. Plus, it made the house smell like anise, mushroom soup and compost, gone bad like a Paris Hilton-impersonator convention.

    It turns out that all I had to do was drink water, it was simply dehydration.

  2. moneyca says:

    Very funny story, although I don’t know if you meant it to be. It’ll be interesting to read whether or not your cough goes completely away as a result.

    P.S. I hope your cat is not permanently traumatized but I suppose if she is you can take HER to the Sweater Queen too!

  3. Anonymous says:

    First your feet, now your cough. You’re a wreck, Sistah…

  4. Anonymous says:

    I hope you get better real soon, on sat we follow your crew at the Sports Arena to shoot some dance event.

    get well girl

  5. Dave2 says:

    It was an episode of “Six Feet Under” where I first became curious about Topanga Canyon, and finally had to take a look on one of my L.A. trips (I was staying in Santa Monica, so it was a pretty easy jump!).

    The one mistake I made was not eating at the “Inn of the 7th Ray”, as several other vegetarians I met told me it’s worth the trip.

  6. Dan Berkes says:

    On the other hand, if anyone else decides to have a preview of what you’re toting, you can bet that they’ll never ever do it twice.

    On Korean acupuncturists: If they’re not making you drink vile tea, they’re burning some form of incense with a smell that must be the alternative medicine equivalent of Lysol stank.

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