Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

My life’s not so exciting now.

The dreaded call from the concerned girlfriend came yesterday:

Her: “So you’re not working now, why don’t you put up a personal ad? You need to get out more.”

Me: “No time. Very busy.”

Her: “You’re not busy. You’re sitting at home, reading War and Peace to your plants so they’ll grow faster”.

Lying bitch. While the cat might appreciate Tolstoy, the plants really seem to prefer InStyle.

My life these days consists of trying to cook without using butter or oil, going to the gym (damn crafty goes right to my ass), The Simpsons reruns, begging The Blonde to stop dating D-List train wrecks and trying to organize my closets. Should I throw out something that’s now two sizes too small and out of fashion, but for which I paid a small fortune?

On second thought, girlfriend has a point. I do need to get out more.

So, I put up an ad, and then deleted it a day later.

The responses I got fell into the following categories:

a) HeY CutIE!!!!! ur HOTT!!!!!Plz snd phne number sos we CaN taLk nd I can be sure uR really not a dude, Peace.

b) 16 paragraphs of self-absorbed drivel that I couldn’t even finish reading.

c) Outright lies

d) Photographs of someone’s penis

e) Inquiries as to whether I was ‘down with (insert stomach-turning perverted activity here).’

Single’s not looking so bad right now.

Besides, the plants really do need to know if green is the new black.

Filed under: Non-Work, rants

10 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    I justify my post LA-move singledom using my poverty and debt. My lack of network out here just acts as a backup excuse for those days after making a deposit in the green bank.

    Males don’t get quite the myriad responses, mostly just fake foreign porno-looking chicks who want you to send them money, fake cheerleaders telling you to check out their webcam,
    or no response at all. Oh, yeah, and several of those sites have gotten in trouble for having employees send emails to potential customers to pique their interests and get them to continue subscriptions.

  2. Marste says:

    Ah yes, the unsolicited dick shot; a time-honored way for the male to express his interest in the female. :P I know a woman who keeps a collection of large dick shots on her computer; when someone sends her one, she sends back a picture of a bigger one! Ha!

    For some highly entertaining reading, this is an “Online Dating Guide for Men:”

    And if you want more of the same:

    Very funny stuff. :)

  3. Stan says:

    Indeed. I want to apologize for the behavior of other men. They can be such clueless jerks. We are not all that way, but the nature of things is such that the clueless loudmouths will tend to stand out from the crowd.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Gee Peggy…maybe ANOTHER trip to Vegas…duh.

  5. Robert Hogan says:

    Try speed dating. It gets you out of the house for a few hours, plus since you only have to talk to the person for a few minutes you can be brutally honest about their bad toupee, horrid breath and facial growths.

  6. Have you thought about Jerry? I mean me? My alter me? I mean we’re practically cousins (oops, I shouldn’t have said that). You’re a juicer, I’m a hammer kinda cousins. You might want to take a look first…

  7. Larry Weiner says:

    Many years ago I did just what you did with a group called- wait for it – The Wrap Patrol. I feel your pain. The singles thing? I’m newly single and am convinced that the desire to meet someone is proportional to the level of dysfunction that someone will be. Whitman said something about being afoot and lighthearted and taking to the open road. I’m doing that with being single. So far the better.

  8. jackt says:

    Hey I just found your blog. Hilarious. I fall into category D. Here is a picture of my penis for your enjoyment —> .


  9. Unfortunatly I’m not living in LA anymore (last been there Sept 2000). Otherwise I would’ve asked you out for a date a long time ago.

    If you happen to hit sexy Amsterdam anytime soon.. I’d gladly take you to dinner…


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