Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

Bad dog! No biscuit!

I normally walk to the gym. It’s close to my house, I’m not burning fossil fuels and I have to spend less time on those horrible cardio machines (a whole room full of people simultaneously running to nowhere while completely ignoring one other gives me nightmares about chain-smoking, philosophy-reading French hamsters).

Yesterday, as I was marching along while looking for any couches that might have been dumped overnight, a black furry missile appeared from nowhere, launched itself at my legs and began to bite indiscriminately.

If he barked, I didn’t hear him. He (and I’m just assuming it was a male dog – I didn’t get a good look at his undercarriage) closed in so fast I didn’t even have time to react – I just kept screaming “help me, help me!” at a passerby who very kindly ran in the opposite direction as the 50 lb-ish dog tore up the legs of my (thankfully wide-legged) pants and landed bites on two different parts of my calf (a few inches above the Achilles tendon and top of the calf about four inches below the knee).

I was afraid to run in case the dog tripped me and I fell (which would have given him a really good shot at my face and neck), and backing away slowly only gave him a fresh angle. The only reason I got away was because the dog charged at yet another approaching pedestrian who was apparently a better target (I guess he had fatter legs).

So much for my action heroine fantasy (“Hasta la vista, doggie! Today, I teach you de lesson you voooon’t fooorgeeeet..”).

Luckily, a guy across the street happened to see the whole thing as he was leaving for work and called 911 on his cell phone, which meant I provided the afternoon’s entertainment for the neighbors as the fire engine (why? Nothing was burning) and ambulance blocked traffic while the paramedics sat me on the curb to field-dress my leg before hauling me to the ER.

The firemen managed to chase the dog back into his yard (his owner had left the front gate open so the dog was wandering around on the public sidewalk where I was walking when he bit me), so the neighborhood’s safe until they leave the gate open again.

After a three hour wait to be seen by sleep-deprived interns, they cleaned up the wound, determined that my tetanus immunization was up-to-date and I wouldn’t need stitches (thank you, loose clothing – out of a total of 10 or 15 bites, the dog only got skin contact three or four times. Of course, he made the most of those opportunities. My leg looks like hamburger), then released me – without warning me that the wounds would bleed like hell all night.

That’s okay. I didn’t really like those sheets anyway.

This being Los Angeles, animal control never showed up, and when I called them today to ask them if they’d picked up the dog and rabies-tested him they pretty much told me to go fuck myself. They’re busy.

Damned dog. I loved those pants.

Couch of the day:


Filed under: couches, Non-Work

20 Responses

  1. Fucking dogs. The loud barking, endless piles of shit and constant stinkiness easily outweighs any cuteness they might have. That thing needs to be put down before it eats some child’s face off.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Stupid dogs (owners)… there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. I hope they string up the owners and flog them with a wet cane, oh to have public floggings of these idiots.

  3. Joe Valdez says:

    Willing to be remain stoic as feral animals eat your favorite pants, while you’re still wearing them. Tetnus shots, waiting around for Animal Control. Man, I feel ashamed to call myself a blogger. The entertainment value of your daily adventures never ceases to impress, Peggy. I hope you’re okay.

  4. Wow. And here I was, worrying about all the rats we have in this here city.

    It’s enough to make you want to run out and buy poison pants…

  5. Anonymous says:

    Motherfucking dogs. I don’t know about LA, but here in Burbank we have leash laws and animal control willing to enforce them. If you have the time, seems to me you could pursue this with the police, small claims (loss of work time) or a lawsuit (contingency lawyer costs nothing). Meanwhile, pepper spray, or a nasal spray bottle filled with amonia is effective. A walking cane wouldn’t hurt either.
    I hope you’re allright, I’d miss the couch pics if you stopped writing.

  6. opus says:

    It seems like more a job for the police than animal control.
    You should also make sure they get a copy of all your medical bills.

  7. Man, I hate dogs. They bite me. It’s just a matter of time before that dog bites somebody else. Sounds like it’s a vicious brute that should be put down.

    Last dog to bite me belonged to a friend. They had it put down after it attacked their toddler.

  8. Lost On Location says:

    Yet another reason to cary your work knife with you. Wherever you go…. Kershaw, Benchmade, Smith & Wesson you Know the one with the straight tip and the serrated shaft. I think after the first bite sinking the blade into the vissious K-9’s neck would have been justified. Also not causing Animal controll any more Fucking issues to follow up on (Jackasses) They would just have one more Flat Dog to P/U. Sorry to hear this and hope you heal up soon.
    Lost On LOcation

  9. Charli says:

    No, no, no this can’t be someone’s real life, it’s too much like a sitcom. Couches, dogs, bad feet, Chinese medicine? This can’t be real life, no WAIT, you did say you lived in LA, right? My bad, nevermind.

    Stupid dog.


  10. Mark says:

    Had it been one of the nastier breeds some assholes like to keep (and are allowed to for absolutely no fucking reason) it would have locked onto your leg and taken you down. Glad you’re relatively okay — with fingers able to dial a lawyer.

    Big question: was there a big soft couch waiting nearby to rest on while you waited for paramedics? That might have been comforting, but could seriously cut into the emotional distress part of your claim.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Why couldn’t the door have bit a couch instead?

    The owner of that dog needs to part with some cash in order to learn a lesson about responsibility.

    Call your lawyer (and have him call animal control too). Motion Picture will cover most as you kow, but you shouldn’t be out of pocket on anything.

    Hope you’re okay.

  12. John Doom says:

    I can’t believe someone saw it and ran away. When I was 14 I saw a dog rush up and grab someone so I subdued the foul creature. What the hell is with people these days?

  13. moneyca says:

    Yeah, I can’t believe the jerk that ran away too. I’m sorry you had to endure this, truly I am. I don’t understand why everyone is so anti-dog though. It’s the owner who should be held liable for this. The dog probably wandered out when the gate was left open and was scared at unfamiliar surroundings. Take care of yourself.

  14. Kirin says:

    And I hope you are planning to toss some “special” meat into the yard of the offending K9??

  15. Alan Smithee says:

    I encourage legal action by everyone involved!

  16. tony says:

    … as per your comment today on LAist

    baby you can submit anything you want to us any time any topic

    you rule and im very curious what you could have written that would get City Search nervous.

  17. Glenna says:

    So sorry about your dog attack. On the other hand, I feel a little guilty in view of your bitemarks for laughing out loud on your hamster take on the gym. I’ve always walked and used videos but recently joined the gym associated with the hospital I work for now. The one word I can add to your gym description is “old”. Old hamsters. Old hamsters wearing panty hose and keds for the women, and dress slacks for the men. It’s very odd, I tells ya.

  18. BillK says:

    If you don’t have something done about this dog and owner it is going to happen again, to somebody else. The dog needs to be put down. For sure.

    I cannot believe that some people who read this believe it reads like a sitcom. What in the hell is funny about somebody getting attacked by a dog?

  19. Jesus, that stinks…literally and figuratively! I hope you feel better.

    “as the fire engine (why? Nothing was burning) and ambulance blocked traffic”

    If L.A. is anything like San Francisco, the fire department has to answer all 911 calls, regardless if it seems to be just a medical emergency. They have to cover all bases, though I’m not entirely sure of the origins of that protocol.

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