Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

Dry run for the big one

As mentioned in an earlier post, my landlady got hauled off to the crazy house (okay, a very nice group home in Pasadena, albeit one with bars on the windows and three cups of medication a day) a while back.

Before she went away, though, she decided that the electrical wiring in her house was really a government surveillance device and started punching holes in the walls with a claw hammer in an attempt to find the ‘bug’. In her zeal, she ruptured the gas line.

Although there was no danger of the entire city block exploding, the gas company decided to fix the leak yesterday, and turned off the gas to the entire four-plex. This makes sense to me. What didn’t make sense to me is that the repair team didn’t turn the gas on when they were done. Apparently, it’s not their job, and I had to call the gas company to schedule a technician to come out and restore service to my pad. The next available “appointment” is Friday – and I have to be home from 7 am to 8 pm.
I heart public utilities.

So, since I have no gas – which means no hot water, no stove and no heat, I decided it was a good time to practice for the inevitable earthquake that will destroy civilization as we know it here in Los Angeles (or at least knock out the gas, power and cell phone service for a few days).

I went out and bought a two burner camp stove (I wanted the pimped out fold-able one that, at almost $80, was just a bit more than I wanted to spend given I don’t know how much work I’m going to get in January), and one of those Sun Shower things since not being able to bathe is really working my nerves more than not being able to cook (hey, beer has enough calories to sustain me. Who needs food?). There’s a shower at my gym, but I think it recently got classified as a bio-hazard.

Since I’m the proud new owner of a downmarket camp stove, I decided to break it in by making pasta sauce.


Since pasta sauce is essentially a one dish thing (okay two. One for the sauce and one for the pasta), I figured it would be perfect for de-virginizing the propane stove. In case you’ve never made pasta sauce from scratch, it’s stupid easy, and impresses the hell out of people who don’t know any better (not real cooks, though. Don’t even bother trying to impress them).

So, the following recipe is for Dave, who’s vegetarian and probably tired of reading about my evil meat-eating ways (“today I ate a cute fuzzy animal smothered in sauce made from the bones of an entirely different cute fuzzy animal. Yum!”).

It’s not that difficult to make, and since Dave has a thing for a certain model turned actress, it’s called:

Guaranteed to Make Liz Hurley Fall in Love With You Camp-Stove Pasta Sauce.

Total time from start to Liz proposing: maybe 45 minutes, probably closer to 30.


3 tablespoons good quality olive oil (I’m serious about this – don’t EVER skimp and buy shitty olive oil. You’ll be able to taste the difference and so will Liz).

3 cloves garlic, peeled and lightly smashed (lay the whole cloves on a cutting board, place the side of a chef’s knife – NOT the cutting surface – on top of the clove, put your hand on the top side of the knife and push down until the clove breaks. Don’t cut the cloves. You’ll be either pureeing or removing them later)

1/2 cup minced onion

1/2 cup minced carrot

1/2 cup minced celery

1/2 cup dry Italian white wine

1 28 ounce can whole plum tomatoes

Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Red pepper flakes to taste (optional – but use actual red pepper flakes and not that horrible powdered spicy blend crap on the shelf in the supermarket)

Using 2 tablespoons of the oil, cook the carrots, celery, onion and garlic in a deep skillet (note: NOT a pot. Use a skillet with high sides. You’ll do a lot less work and it looks much more suave, trust me) over medium-low heat. Cook, stirring frequently (remember your camp-stove only heats the very center of the skillet so if you don’t stir, you’ll have burned stuff in the center and raw stuff on the edges), until the carrots and celery are tender.

Add the wine, and allow about half of it to bubble away before proceeding.

Pour the can of tomatoes into a bowl. Crush the whole tomatoes with your hands or a fork (I use my hands, but remember when you’re breaking up whole canned tomatoes that there can be spurts of liquid, so be careful or Liz will think you’re a slob) and add them to the skillet, along with salt and pepper. Raise the heat to medium high and cook, stirring frequently, until the tomatoes break down and the mixture takes on the consistency of sauce (IMPORTANT: tomato sauces go through stages when they’re cooking: tastes like ass, tastes like ass, oh shit what did I do wrong, wow that’s amazing. Do not taste the sauce at all until you suspect it may be done – if you do, it will taste like ass and you’ll start adding stuff you don’t need and you’ll ruin it and Liz won’t fall in love with you).

After 10 minutes, stir in the remaining tablespoon of olive oil, adding more salt and the red pepper flakes if needed (this is the time to taste the sauce, and if you want less of the garlic taste, fish out the garlic cloves now). Turn off the heat, let the sauce cool, and then blend it (I use an immersion blender, but a regular blender will work just as well – just blend the sauce in small batches and not all at once or it won’t blend completely and you’ll have bits of carrot stuck to your teeth when Liz falls in love with you, and then you’d look like a dork. If you use an immersion blender, pour the sauce out of the skillet and into a deep bowl. If you try to use the immersion blender in the skillet, your yummy sauce will end up all over the walls).

Re-heat, serve over any long pasta, and invite me to the wedding.

Like Britney gossip, homemade pasta sauces are almost always better the next day, so make more than you think you need. It will keep in the fridge for about a week.

With not much more work, this sauce can be used for Guaranteed To Make Liz Hurley Fall in Love With You Three Cheese and Spinach Lasagna, but that’s another post since this one’s already really long.

Note to carnivores: Don’t even think about getting all smart and just dumping ground meat into this sauce – it doesn’t work that way. Meat sauces need to simmer for much longer – usually two or three hours.

Filed under: life in LA, Non-Work

11 Responses

  1. Dave2 says:

    I have made a grocery list. I am making this sauce.

    Does it travel well? Somehow I doubt that that Liz will come to me… this is going to involve me flying to England and somehow holding her hostage long enough for the sauce to work its magic.

    Anxiously awaiting the Three Cheese and Spinach Lasagna recipe… :-)

  2. wen says:

    Yay for another person who uses a carrot to “sweeten” the sauce rather than sugar. Have you tried using a bechamel sauce with your lasagna? I mix it in with the spinach and some nutmeg.

    The way I get the gas co. to come over fast? Call them and tell them you smell gas. They are required by law to come over and fix it immediately. Of course the last time I did that I really did smell gas and turns out that there was a major gas leak in the basement. The entire building could have gone up.

    Isn’t wordpress grand?

  3. Mike80 says:

    You are obviously not Italian. We call it “gravy”,
    and there are never carrots or celery. And you simmer it with hot Italian sausages to spice it up. But to each his/her own.

  4. Peter says:

    You can use the side of a large knife to peel as well as crush garlic. Lay the side of the knife on an unpeeled clove and give it a relatively light blow. The peel will slip right off the clove. You then can use the knife to crush the clove as described above.

    I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but you might be able to turn on the gas yourself with a wrench. There should be a round valve-looking thing right before your meter. If the indicator bar is horizontal the gas is off, and if the bar’s vertical the gas is on.

  5. Meg says:

    The first place I lived in Hollywood was a bachelor apartment on Hayworth and Fountain. It was one room with the biggest refrigerator but no stove. I got a two burner hotplate and cooked on that for almost a year. One time I made spaghetti marinara for 6. I don’t remember where everybody sat, though, since all I had was a bed and one chair. Musta been a cozy dinner party. BTW-I crush the canned tomatoes by hand, too. I think it adds a “personal touch” to the sauce (g)

  6. Caroline says:

    I’m going to try this recipe soon. It looks yummy.

    I’m not really known as a master in the kitchen, but I’m hoping this will change that.

  7. PDQ says:

    The carnivores in the audience would love a good meat sauce recipe if you’re so inclined! :>)

    Peggy sez:

    Meat Sauce, Bolognese Style:

    Time: Several hours, mostly unattended.

    2 tablespoons olive oil
    1 small onion, minced
    1 carrot, peeled and minced
    1 celery stalk, minced
    1/4 cup bacon or pancetta
    1 lb ground meat (I use lean ground turkey. The original recipe calls for 1/2 lb ground beef and 1/2 lb ground pork)
    1 28 oz can of whole plum tomatoes
    3/4 cup dry Italian white wine or juice from the tomatoes (I pour the juice from the tomatoes into a measuring cup, and then add white wine to make 3/4 cup of tomato juice/wine combo)
    1 cup beef or chicken stock
    Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
    1 cup cream, half-and-half, or milk
    Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

    Put the olive oil in a large, deep skillet. Turn the heat to medium-low and, a minute later, add the onion, carrot, celery and bacon or pancetta. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender, about 10 minutes.

    Add the ground meat and cook, stirring and breaking up any clumps, until all traces of red are gone, about 5 minutes. Add the wine and tomato juice, raise the heat a bit, and cook, stirring occasionally, until most of the liquid is evaporated, about 5 minutes.

    Crush the tomatoes with your hands or a fork and add them to the skillet; stir, then add the stock. Turn the heat to low and cook at a slow simmer, stirring occasionally and breaking up the tomatoes, and any clumps of meat that remain. After an hour or so, add the salt and pepper. Cook for at least another hour, until much of the liquid has evaporated and the sauce is very thick.

    Add the cream, half-and-half or milk and cook for another 15 to 30 minutes, stirring occasionally, taste and add more salt and/or pepper if needed. Serve with any dried or fresh pasta (this sauce is especially good for lasagne and ravioli), passing grated Parmesan at the table.

    This sauce will keep for several days in the fridge, and it’s delicious the first day and even better the second day.

    – adapted from the book “How to Cook Everything”, by Mark Bittman.

  8. Caryn says:

    Looking forward to trying this. And to the next recipe. Thanks!

  9. JCW says:

    Geez…do you think Steve Bing fixed this for Hurley before he knocked her up? The girl’s a class act – I can understand how your friend might become infatuated with “Rat Woman”. Here’s hoping she marries her latest millionaire and retires…SOON!

    So if you add meat and simmer two more hours, do you get Hugh Grant?

  10. Lyn Davis says:

    thanks for the photos – they are great

  11. Charli says:

    I would have bought a little grill.

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