Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

A horticultural whodunit.

So, after freaking out all night (and keeping me awake because, hey, who wants to freak out alone?) my ex finally was allowed to go back home the next morning – his house is fine, although I’m still finding potato chip crumbs and candy wrappers in the couch cushions (he’s got emotional eating issues, but that’s it’s own post).

But lately, something’s been happening which makes even a giant wildfire a couple of miles away seem trifling.

My neighborhood has a serial killer.

Last week, as I came home from work, I found the first victim dismembered and spread all over the sidewalk in front of the house:

Jade plant murder!

Just gruesome.

My first thought was that someone had gotten into the neighbor’s yard waste recycle bin and decided to spread the contents around in some sort of mildly satanic ritual.

I also thought maybe they were kids. Or drunk. Or both.

Then, I saw from whence the mess had come:

Jade plant murder!

It took me a minute to realize that the butchered jade plant remains strewn about the sidewalk were, in fact, quite recently attached to the jade plant in front of my pad.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of jade plants, but I don’t inherently object to them (unlike those things in the neighbor’s yard that drip fucking sap everywhere and have flowers that look like a baboon’s ass). They’re drought-resistant, they don’t drop leaves, draw bees or stink like hell, and this one has been peacefully existing next to the front porch for a number of years and has done fine despite indifferent care on my part (and any plant that can survive in LA without being soaked with the hose every few days gets brownie points in my book – unlike those divas who call themselves tomato plants).

I’m thoroughly baffled as to why someone would chop up a jade plant, and this just got more confusing this morning when two more jade plants across the street got chopped up and spread around the sidewalk.

It’s a massacre, I tell you.

Nobody around here has gardeners (so the disgruntled independent contractor theory won’t work), so I’m guessing it’s somebody who really hates jade plants.

Or drunks. Or kids. Or drunk wannabe satanists who can’t find a goat so they used jade plant.

Or something.

I have too much time on my hands.

Filed under: Non-Work, Photos

6 Responses

  1. c says:

    you need to go back to work

  2. Peter says:

    I believe jade plants have some use in feng shui. Maybe there’s a connection.

  3. jdcccw says:

    First the jade plants – next, the boxwoods.

    Obviously, we are witnessing signs of the impending apocalypse.

    Best you can do is smear lamb’s blood on your front door and pray that it passes you over.

    Of course, given the area you live in, that could also end you up on tonight’s edition of Entertainment Tonight immediately following a piece on Paris Hilton’s impending jail sentence…..

    Oh Hell…. you’re just screwed either way.

    Pore a little extra water on it and it will grow back. Jade plants are nothing if not reslient.

  4. Meg says:

    Ah, Hollywood. When I lived there I witnessed a man pulling weeds out of the sidewalk and shoving them down his pants. He then took a spoon out of his pocket, and used it like a monocle. Just another day in the Big Shiny Entertainment Capital of the World.

  5. Charli says:

    Do you think the people who toss sofas out on the sidewalk are in cohorts with the people who kill jade plants? I think we’re on to something here…

  6. nezza says:

    That’s definitely slightly odd….
    Perhaps it’s some weirdo who has just been dumped by his lady gal who happened to be named Jade and this is his way of getting revenge.
    It certainly wouldn’t appear to be Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick anyway.

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