Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

Hell, I’m unemployed, I might as well run for President.

Why not? We’ve got an election coming up and I need a job.

Here’s my official platform:

Waterboarding? Dude, it’s like totally torture.

I suppose the litmus test for that would be if the Khmer Rouge used it, it’s, like, totally torture. Which could include the city bus on a hot day, but that’s an issue for another time.

Speaking of city buses: As President, I promise to take money away from shady construction and ‘security’ firms in Iraq and put it to use where it’s really needed: Improving public transit and making it illegal for anyone to drive except me.

National Healthcare? Yes, please. As President, my first act will be to solicit a workable model for free national health from someone who knows what the hell they’re doing. Plus, I’ll make it a law that if you have more than three nose jobs in a five year period, you have to register for some sort of plastic surgery rehab program.

Speaking of Iraq: Good luck, guys! We’re going home. As President, that will be the second phrase out of my mouth after “I’d like to thank the Academy” (wait.. wrong daydream. Sorry)

Plus, I think I’ll throw something in there about infrastucture, pollution, and I’ll make it legal to mercilessly beat people who blast bad 80’s synth-pop at three in the morning.

Yeah, Mr. “My radio station’s cooler than yours – here, have a listen”. I’m talkin’ about you.

Filed under: humor, Non-Work, Off-Topic, rants, , , , , ,

9 Responses

  1. Dave2 says:

    You’ve got my vote!

  2. JCW says:

    Sounds good. Now if you’ll just throw in the legalization of marijuana, you’ve totally got my vote.

  3. bob says:

    So you’re against waterboarding terrorists that are killing people, but in favor of mercilessly beating people who blast bad 80’s synth-pop at three in the morning? I think you might need to work on your consistency…

    And as for a “workable model for free national health care” – it doesn’t exist. That’s why national health care has failed in every country that’s tried it. That’s why people in Canada drive into the U.S. for medical care, rather than waiting the average of EIGHT MONTHS that it takes to get an appointment with a Canadian government doctor.

    But other than that, your ideas sound good.

    Peggy sez: Since nothing on this blog is meant to be taken seriously, I can be as inconsistent as I want. Besides, beating late-night synth pop blasters isn’t torture, it’s self defense.

  4. Meg says:

    Did you get “The Letter”? It was delivered to my husband via registered mail ($3.06) when they coulda given it to him while he was on the lot, working on the last ep that had been finished before the strike. That show’s gonna be wrapping out the stage(s) the week after Thanksgiving.

  5. Charli says:

    As I stated, I agree (as does SAG) with the strike and according to Wall Street, in 2011 the internet will become a 3 BILLION dollar money maker for studios. That’s “B” not “M” for Billions!

    Peg, girl, there are things you can do, you are intelligent, funny, I say, for a few weeks, go to Vegas, become a cocktail waitress, they make thousands of dollars a week.

  6. geekhiker says:

    Sounds far better than most of the platforms I’ve seen so far. You’ve got my vote. ;)

    Hope everything is resolved soon and it’s not too long before you’re back on a set!

  7. GroovyBrent says:

    Ooh… but I *LIKE* 80s synth-pop.

    So my question: Is your platform truly anti-80’s-synth-pop or more anti-any-kind-of-music-at-3-am?

    Because that could really sway me one way or the other (I’m a values voter, you see…)

  8. boskolives says:

    “bad 80’s synth-pop” is redundant, sort of like “asshole in a pickup truck”.

    Other than that, you’ve got my vote.

    In your spare time, please add something about breaking the legs of anyone that drives in the carpool lane with a kid as the passenger, how exactly is that helping as far as reducing traffic?

    Thanks in advance Ms. President,

    http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

  9. Sal says:

    I’d vote for you, if I was there and eligible.

    Oh, and Bob’s wrong.

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