Instead of the normal list of completely unrealistic resolutions (“I will only eat healthy things” “I will always be nice to people” “I will not scream ‘cocksucker’ out the window of my car every three minutes”), this time I’ve decided to just be happy and make a list of things which I will not be changing in the coming year.
1) I resolve never to stop yelling “Hahahahaha… suckers!” as I coast past gridlock in mall parking structures on my bicycle. Schadenfreude is really underrated, you know.
2) I resolve to continue swearing like a mule skinner whenever possible. Even around kids. Especially around kids.
3) I resolve not to watch a lot of important art house movies in the coming year. I’m totally in touch with my inner magpie, and Speed Racer looks shiny.
4) I will not buy a hybrid car in 2008.
5) I will not get around to cleaning out my hall closet and throwing away those festering doodads that have been in there for a decade.
6)Except the Battenburg lace Christmas tree angel that my aunt gave me a few years ago which I will probably put on eBay just because it’s completely pointless and it makes it harder for me to find my tools when I need them.
7) You know what? Fuck it. I’m just going to set the thing on fire, video it and post it to YouTube.
8) I don’t even know why my family keep buying me tree ornaments anyways. I haven’t had a tree since the early 1990’s.
9) I resolve to continue setting grossly inappropriate gifts on fire and posting the video to YouTube. Burning Mary Kay perfume (fire can only improve that smell) coming soon.
10) I resolve not to decrease my alcohol consumption during the coming year.
11) I will continue to call my cat “pinhead” even though that’s not her name.
12) I will continue to ignore whatever ridiculously overpriced skin product/procedure du jour is making the rounds. Goddammit, I earned these wrinkles.
13) I will continue to procrastinate…. later. Maybe. When I get around to it.
Happy New Year, everyone!