Normally, fall is a very busy time of year – production cranks up and I bounce around between TV shows and movies and while I’m tired, it’s all good as I’m on a mission to bank cash for the lean months that follow the holidays.
Except this year. This year, it’s dead when it should be busy. Since no one knows if SAG are going to strike or not, nothing is starting up right now out of fear of being shut down. There are no movies shooting right now, and many of the TV shows are going down early and taking extended breaks.
Of course, the producers are saying SAG are unreasonable, and SAG are saying the producers won’t talk.
Guess who I believe?
Tomorrow, a federal mediator comes out to try to salvage… something, but no one I know has much hope.
In the interest of not having a poverty-line Christmas this year, I’d like to offer my mediation services.
Bring me the SAG reps and the person who’s ‘negotiating’ for the producers and lock us in a room. No sleepy time, no bathroom breaks, no food.
Also, I’ll need the following items:
Three rolls of duct tape.
Two sets of those unbreakable golf clubs (with extra drivers).
One police-issue taser.
An unlimited supply of air cartridges.
One box of cookies (no, they’re not for me. Bad thoughts = pain. Good thoughts = cookie. Even producers need occasional positive reinforcement).
Using my patented method*, I will guarantee a contract agreement in 48 hours.
Of course, I suppose I’ll also need immunity from prosecution and/or two suitcases full of hundreds and a fake passport.
You know where to find me if that federal mediator dude doesn’t work out.
*violates Geneva Conventions