Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

It’s beginning to look a lot like I’m not sure what.

Normally, fall is a very busy time of year – production cranks up and I bounce around between TV shows and movies and while I’m tired, it’s all good as I’m on a mission to bank cash for the lean months that follow the holidays.

Except this year. This year, it’s dead when it should be busy. Since no one knows if SAG are going to strike or not, nothing is starting up right now out of fear of being shut down. There are no movies shooting right now, and many of the TV shows are going down early and taking extended breaks.

Of course, the producers are saying SAG are unreasonable, and SAG are saying the producers won’t talk.

Guess who I believe?

Tomorrow, a federal mediator comes out to try to salvage… something, but no one I know has much hope.

In the interest of not having a poverty-line Christmas this year, I’d like to offer my mediation services.

Bring me the SAG reps and the person who’s ‘negotiating’ for the producers and lock us in a room. No sleepy time, no bathroom breaks, no food.

Also, I’ll need the following items:

Three rolls of duct tape.

Two sets of those unbreakable golf clubs (with extra drivers).

One police-issue taser.

An unlimited supply of air cartridges.

One box of cookies (no, they’re not for me. Bad thoughts = pain. Good thoughts = cookie. Even producers need occasional positive reinforcement).

Using my patented method*,  I will guarantee a contract agreement in 48 hours.

Of course, I suppose I’ll also need immunity from prosecution and/or two suitcases full of hundreds and a fake passport.

You know where to find me if that federal mediator dude doesn’t work out.

*violates Geneva Conventions

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6 Responses

  1. E. says:

    You could also try the George Carlin Method for Dealing with Child Molesters: Lock them in a room with a wolverine that’s high on angel dust.

    In any case, these dipsticks need to make a damn deal already.

  2. Annika says:

    Dang, the WGA really could have used you last year. Let me know if you need a caddie.

  3. Wen says:

    That was pretty much my plan for last years round with the WGA. Except for the cookies.

  4. Charli says:

    I kept my WGA t-shirt as a memento of this time, I’ll buy a t-shirt if the actors strike, but really girl, this could get ol’ in a big hurry with these strikes, and the housing situation doesn’t help matters.

    BTW, I misread mediation for meditation, lol.

  5. opus says:

    Might I suggest, forget the weaponry and you don’t need food, just a locked room, no bathroom and oodles and oodles of any drinkable liquid.

  6. Elan says:

    Sometimes I wonder if SAG, the Boeing machinists, and the longshoremen have a secret bet going as to who can kill their industry the fastest.

    Are AFTRA shows still shooting? I know we’ve avoided this issue by being AFTRA-only in our casting, but I don’t know if there’s still production like that anywhere in Hollybank.

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