Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

This rant’s been coming on for quite some time.

It’s a good thing that I don’t have any work this week, since I now have a date by which I must vacate my current home – January 3, 2011.

So, instead of earning a living, I’ve been burning gas by driving around town looking at apartments from sunrise to sunset.

My main problem seems to be landlords’ creative interpretation of the English language.

An apartment with such small rooms that I can stand in the middle of said room, stretch out my arms and touch opposite walls?  Not fucking spacious.

Two burner hot-plate and the sink’s in the bathroom? Not a fucking gourmet kitchen.

Right across the street from the freeway? Not fucking quiet.

Nobody’s been killed in the building so far this week? Not fucking safe.

Built in 1899 and not had any maintenance since then? Not fucking quaint.

Parking in an unsecured lot six blocks away? Not fucking convenient. Not by  a long shot.

Illegal garage conversion in a paved-over backyard that’s the domain of two angry (or friendly – who can tell?) pit bulls who are ‘just kidding’ when they bite? So not a fucking ‘spa-like setting’, dude.

Don’t even get me started on ‘cozy’.

Dammit, can’t I just see one honest ad? “Hey, this place sucks balls,  but it’s cheap so what are you gonna do, deadbeat?”

This needs to be over soon, especially since today the construction workers knocked a very expensive rice cooker off a shelf and broke it. Of course, the landlord’s not going to pay for it, since it’s apparently my fault that the construction workers, while very nice guys, are clumsy.

I need a vacation.

Filed under: Non-Work

5 Responses

  1. geekhiker says:

    Every time I think about moving, everything that’s in this post goes through my mind. I guess because they didn’t sell that screenplay, the landlord decided to exercise his/her creative writing skills putting together an apartment ad.

    Hope you get that vacation soon.

  2. JCW says:

    Are you doing your search all alone through the classifieds?

    If you haven’t already tried, you might have better luck going through a rental agency, as often times you give them your criteria and you only get listings that fit what you’re looking for – saved my ass a couple of times:

    http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&q=residential%20rental%20agency%20los%20angeles&aq=&aqi=&aql=f&oq=&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=e18ec2db23988f7d&pf=p&pdl=300

  3. Rickety says:

    There is a vacancy in my 10-cottage courtyard in Highland Park (off the 110 ~ Avenue 57) – it’s the furthest one back off the street, so you cannot hear the all-night bus. Landlord/owner is older and lives in the neighborhood and is a nice man. All the cottages are one-bedrooms with some nice built-ins although this vacant apt is one of two bungalows which are attached at one wall (making them not bungalows anymore).

    I will share the landlord’s number with you if you’re interested. It’s a nice and quiet neighborhood. You don’t know me but I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I think you might be a good fit for this courtyard.

  4. k4kafka says:

    It’s been 11 days now..Please post something fresh, interesting and witty…

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