Totally Unauthorized

A side of the film industry most people never see.

Oh, goody! I’ve got a B List ‘celeb’ programmed into my cell phone

It’s been a busy few weeks.

What started out as a documentary style low prep shoot has mushroomed into a scripted, two day extravaganza, courtesy of the Screen Actor’s Guild.. How did this happen?

The Blonde suggested that we shoot her doing makeup for a Certain Men’s Magazine shoot.. I agreed, and then, before I could pull my head out of my ass to check what I was doing, I suggested that – just for a lark, we improv some dialog in the dressing room while she was doing the model’s makeup.

Someone needs to stop me when I start to say these things.

We have an actress to whom I’ll refer as “The Drama Queen” on board now, thanks to a drunken offer on my part (hey, a couple of the ‘vodka infusions’ at Chaya and I don’t know what the hell I’m saying), so now our little camcorder cluster fuck has become a full blown SAG signatory cluster fuck.

Okay, we’re under the “Chumps and Film Students” contract, but we’re still a SAG signatory. We had to write a script so SAG could ‘review’ it, and turn in a whole package including a line item budget.

How do you do a line item budget when you have no money?

The Blonde’s bummed because under the “Chumps and Film Students” contract, non-SAG performers are NOT eligible for membership.

All this so The Drama Queen (a SAG member) can have 5 minutes of screen time. To date, she has blown off three or four table reads because she ‘just doesn’t have the creative energy today’, called me at odd hours to complain that her boyfriend abuses her, her agent won’t return her calls, and she can’t get a good table at the Ivy.
She’s programmed into my cell phone.

Since we have dialogue, we have to have two cameras (we were thinking about two cameras anyway, so that’s not that much of a leap). So, we put an ad on Craig’s List for a camera operator (must have own camera, no pay), and have gotten some *choice* replies.
Here are a few of the really, really fucked up ones:


What are the logistics of your shoot and what kind of jobs would you be
hiring for in the future? Thanks, xxxxxx

xxxxx xxxxx,

(Just for all of you baby DP’s out here.. I won’t hire you if you call yourself a filmmaker, a director, or any combination of the two. I don’t want a director. I have a director. I want a fucking camera person who will do what he or she is told and not be a pain in the ass.)


How much time do you need someone to film for?

(This is not an unreasonable question, except that this is the entire text of the email. No name, nothing. Just this.)


And the winner for most unintentionally hillarious email is……….. this guy:

I have shot models for Live feed or post production including editing for Revlon, Sebatian (sic), Maxim Mag and few others. I can’t work for free, my abilities and talent won’t allow it.
For $350.00 cash/money order I will shoot event on 3 chip camera and turn over video tape.

I will be available for 4 Hours on event day.


Since the ad was very specific about there not being any pay, this is even funnier.. I think there was one other email that quoted an insanely high day rate for a job that doesn’t pay. The funny thing is there were a few people who responded who had really, really impressive resumes. Those folks were all really easygoing.. it’s the guys who can’t produce a resume who are prima donnas.

Back to the SAG paperwork pile………

Filed under: Uncategorized

Rain, rain go away.

Goddammit, someone out there must be able to make it stop raining!

My yard is flooded (although my neighbor’s house collapsed so I’m not doing too bad!) and I’ve got cabin fever..

I’m not working, which is fine, because I haven’t paid my union dues (I forgot, okay) – I’m going to have to use my Vegas money to pay.

Monday..Everything will happen on Monday.

Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Ah, the holidays..

I refuse to fly anymore because the TSA insist on hiring the biggest idiots they can find, so I stayed in town for the holidays.. I spent Christmas with a friend’s family – so I had the fattening food and too much alcohol without having to deal with the baggage and family fights (well, there were fights, but since it wasn’t my family, I could just keep eating)..

New Years Eve The Blonde and I went to a party in Holmby Hills filled with under 30 M.A.W.’s and the freeloading boys who love them.. there was a scavenger hunt, and one of the models had to have her ‘team’ read the clues to her.. She kept waving the paper at anyone she could corner while asking “What does it say? What does it say?”
She told us she couldn’t read it because she was Swedish.

Speaking of fattening food and too much booze… The Blonde, two gay guys and I went to Jimmy Kimmel Live last night..

J.K.’s green room used to rock.. it was packed with people, and everyone was having a great time and trying to make deals (or at least get laid).. For 2005, they’ve instituted a draconian door policy, so the place was dead last night. There couldn’t have been more than 10 or 20 people there.

We hung out, watched the show (B list actor, B list actor, some band I’ve never heard of) and were out of there early – the geezers at Dan Tana’s are much more amusing.

Filed under: Uncategorized

January 2005

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"If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." -Anne Lamott

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