Hell, I’m unemployed, I might as well run for President.

Why not? We’ve got an election coming up and I need a job.

Here’s my official platform:

Waterboarding? Dude, it’s like totally torture.

I suppose the litmus test for that would be if the Khmer Rouge used it, it’s, like, totally torture. Which could include the city bus on a hot day, but that’s an issue for another time.

Speaking of city buses: As President, I promise to take money away from shady construction and ‘security’ firms in Iraq and put it to use where it’s really needed: Improving public transit and making it illegal for anyone to drive except me.

National Healthcare? Yes, please. As President, my first act will be to solicit a workable model for free national health from someone who knows what the hell they’re doing. Plus, I’ll make it a law that if you have more than three nose jobs in a five year period, you have to register for some sort of plastic surgery rehab program.

Speaking of Iraq: Good luck, guys! We’re going home. As President, that will be the second phrase out of my mouth after “I’d like to thank the Academy” (wait.. wrong daydream. Sorry)

Plus, I think I’ll throw something in there about infrastucture, pollution, and I’ll make it legal to mercilessly beat people who blast bad 80’s synth-pop at three in the morning.

Yeah, Mr. “My radio station’s cooler than yours – here, have a listen”. I’m talkin’ about you.

Filed under: humor, Non-Work, Off-Topic, rants, healthcare, iraq, platform, president, radio, waterboarding